I want to start off by describing a very specific feeling. Maybe you know how to swim, or you don’t. But I’m sure you can relate with the feeling of being suddenly thrown in water. The intention behind it is not always as scary as it sounds. I’ve been thrown into a swimming pool as a birthday surprise. And my dad was thrown into a well in his village, as a standard practice to make kids learn swimming.
Whatever the cause, that first jump, when my stomach lurched at the feeling of an unfamiliar surrounding. Cold, and the lack of the usual sense of gravity. The panic (at least in my case), is the feeling I mean. The initial thrashing, to put the bottom of the pool or well, as far from me as possible.
That’s how I felt about turning Thirty in another year and a half. Felt, in past tense. I’ll come to the present in a bit. What’s the reason to feel that scared? I hardly think any explanation is necessary. The 20’s are portrayed to be an average person’s peak. Peak of partying, finding true love, making money and becoming independent, having children, and the list goes on. To squash every meaningful milestone into a 10 year period. And then what? I think more than the fear of not achieving these milestones, I was more scared of what’s on the other side of this giant wall beyond which you supposedly lose the magic of youth. What then? An average human being’s maximum age can be considered to be around 70. So for 50 years, do we just live reminiscing our glorious 20’s, while even those memories start to fade? Sounds like a dystopian novel.
I needed a good slap of reality to come out of this dark trance that I automatically found myself in. I think things have become better. I see more people on social media who embrace their age and the wisdom and experience that comes with it, more so than my parents would have in their time. But it’s true that the default state of things is like this meme below, that pops up on my feed EVERY fucking year, without fail (granted, it’s funny):
The first thing that helped me through this paradigm shift, is a video of Emma Watson talking about the same thing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQynYGDpyiw, if you’re interested).
The truth is, and always has been, that we don’t know how any age feels like. 27 is supposed to be as unfamiliar as 32. So the wall between 29 and 30 essentially doesn’t even exist. And we all know that logically, but not intuitively.
The other big thing that helped me out, is a little trip down memory lane. Not zooming into any particular memory, but just seeing the picture overall. As a canvas of sorts. So many colors, so many paradigm shifts already! And so it only made sense that beyond 29, the number of interesting things wouldn’t drop like off a cliff, because they didn’t in the past! This entire post was supposed to be my own reflection of those shifts, but I guess I overwrote the prologue.
I used to believe that gold adorned Gods sat in outer space and guided all my decisions. Then at 15 I became an atheist. I used to want a daredevil, smirky, overconfident guy. Then just 4 years ago I figured out I want a nerd who laughs in instalments. I used to think I’m as mentally robust as I can possibly be. Then just a year ago, I took anti depressants (prescribed) and life was so much better for it. I used to want to work in an office wearing pencil skirts, carrying a laptop and a Starbucks mug, walking urgently towards important meetings. And just 3 months ago, I quit my corporate job.
As I type this, I’m not scared. I’m excited. Because if 15 year old, or any of the past Sandhya’s could handle what was thrown at them and come out successful, so can I. Probably even handle them better. And the panic in my stomach became a sort of excited buzz. The excitement to get up and do something NOW. I stopped thrashing and figured I can just float.
My total reader count has been dwindling, LOL, but if you’re here, thank you for reading :) and cheers to however old you are, and wherever life takes you!
